Pantoum: My Lover Sailed Away
smiling he waves from further away
in a ship sailing on sapphire waters
with tears my suffering eyes gives way
beat by beat my heart painfully falters
in a ship sailing on sapphire waters
they all went hunting for gold in new lands
beat by beat my heart painfully falters
i fear he lost his heart on foreign sands
they all went hunting for gold in new lands
he promised fruits from an emerald field
i fear he lost his heart on foreign sands
he is gone for long fear he lost his shield
he promised fruits from an emerald field
i wanted not treasure but his silken touch
he is gone for long fear he lost his shield
fear he met his demise oh i miss so much
i wanted not treasure but his silken touch
but only got wind caressing me these cold nights
fear he met his demise oh i miss so much
ever my pained cloudy eyes see ghostly sights
but only got wind caressing me these cold nights
sleepless in solitude as midnight wane
ever my pained cloudy eyes see ghostly sights
now over the hill i see his floating pale frame
sleepless in solitude as midnight wane
with tears my suffering eyes gives way
now over the hill i see his floating pale frame
smiling he waves from further away
this is my second attempt at the pantoum form, which i think is a great but challenging way for storytelling. ever since i read about it at dVerse – Poets Pub, i’ve been in love with it.
This is very lovely form and the rhyming words mesh wonderfully. Nice to see you trying out new forms… challenging to write but it is joy to see it all together.
I still have to try this form when I am not too busy.
September 29, 2011 at 6:05 am
A gorgeous vision of pain and loneliness. Your juxtaposition of treasure references and human emotion leads me to a mental picture of suffering for the sake of something very valuable. The line which caught me off guard was “smiling he waves” as if the person leaving is happy but the person being left is in pain. Such an interesting combination. Beautiful work, as always! Great writing!
September 29, 2011 at 8:14 am
This is a beautiful form and you have done it justice. A sad tale you told with such sensitivity. I haven’t tried it yet myself–but you may have inspired me to try.
As a new person to comment on my blog, I have nominated you for the Liebster Award which you may collect at my blog if you wish: http://bodhirose.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/the-liebster-blog-award/
Please do not feel obligated to participate. It was given purely as acknowledgement by me for your wonderful work.
Gayle
October 3, 2011 at 12:18 pm
Sehr schön geschriebeb und ein super Blog lieber Gruss und einen schönen Tag Gislinde.http://zitroneblog.wordpress.com
October 3, 2011 at 9:44 pm
I’ve never heard of the pantoum form, but whatever it is, I think you did it well! Didn’t see a LIKE button – but I liked it
October 4, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Never seen the form.. I think.. smiles… But I did enjoy the poem and the flow.
October 5, 2011 at 4:49 am
Yes an interesting concept and it flows rather
well too, not repetitive at all and instead it has
a very nice feel to it…
I like this style of poetry my friend
Androgoth
October 6, 2011 at 5:08 am