Innocence Wanted
lost innocence imprisoned cries for times of past
where believing everything is true forever did last
frosted face pressed by this window this pane of cold glass
lay thinking of gold and silver in this land of pale graying brass
gold and silver shining like pure and heavenly auburn
dreamed about sunsets on an emerald grassy meadow
wished to be pure and untainted a child freshly born
to smile and laugh that tinkling laugh when time did allow
run around to steal soft kisses from dew clad grass
then an innocent heart counted time for a day to pass
but not for an end but just for sparkling stars to shine high
to hear silent lullabies light years ago etched in this sky
now here lays this frozen face pressed on cold glass
thinking of broken love lost friends and a betrayed past
counting coins to meet ends of life in pain ever last
dreaming of innocence lost drop by drop as time did pass
Feeling Lighter
finally i will fly
i can touch for real
this blue sky
this feeling overwhelms
as i lay suspended
in limbo
emotions and memories
from a not so distant past
broken hearts and empty bottles
all those heavy worries
and forever saying sorries
blurs away when i close my eyes
this blue sky i float
lightens my sorrow
fades away my sorrow
this dream i dream
leaves no tomorrow
to wake up again
my dream will forever last
no more pain to bury
no more deviations from sober
this limbo takes me over
finally i will not fall
i can touch for real
this blue sky
this feeling overwhelms
sorrows shall disappear fast
my dream will forever last
written for prompt: Poets United Midnight Snack (005)
Confidence
Confidence . . . It’s word that doesn’t come up much to my conscious world these days, maybe it’s buried deep within my subconscious clashing around with those horrid, weird dynamics Freud seemed to explain with such clarity that even a dog would understand, well not me. My confidence is buried, maybe even deeper into my unconscious that I don’t even feel for it’s existence. How pitiful when you find yourself unable to look at a person in the eyes, when you lose your general swagger which accompanies your speech, in fact your speech is now staggering blabbering muttering incomprehensible and repetitive. You had lost all your sense of achievement and no longer feel the urge to survive competition. There is a sense of failure. You had given up.
Yet Another Poem In Vain
my poetry is stale like
meat of my ischemic heart
ripped by yet another last strike
but why i still pen this poetic art
because i gave love another chance
and lost my last bit of sanity
again let myself dance that dance
and lose myself from reality
so i write about tears like i did before
but this time the game is different
these are for the one i still adore
even though i can’t bear this torment
endless tears come easy this time
again i shall do my salty ocean worth
just to drown once more in my crime
of sweet hate and rip my heart forth
should write some words about my lost heart
stale meat yet tireless till time to depart
pumps my soul, yeah still does it’s part
oh faithful beat, but don’t tear me apart
i wrote of loss, yet another poem in vain
this ink will disappear when it does rain
but rain will not wash away this black stain
of a dying heart beating in a painful refrain
The Tomorrow
i switch on the lights . . .
now i see a photograph
of us together, from a time
when we was still together
still smiling like children
like children in the dawn
the mischief
the gleam in your eyes
the ghost of our lives
when we still believed
there was no tomorrow
i switch off the lights . . .
now i see darkness
i see myself alone, in a time
when nothing seems to hold on
the sadness, the regret, the parting
life after dusk
when everything i believed on
has finally faded away
leaving the ghost of myself
to linger on
in my tomorrow
A Study In Poison (To Cure A Cancer Patient)
a clock is ticking somewhere, we let us suspend in a frame of time frozen
on an altar we prayed to kill demons, eating on a sweetness once eternal
are we late, our oracle knows not how to cure, maybe we are not chosen
standing silent, our pride scarred, watching you burn with pain infernal
hair raven black silk, swishy and swaying
the ebony crown that wooed boys’ hearts
now wrinkled and knotted, slowly dethroning
abandoning your body, now falling into shards
beauty eternal they said of your skin so warm flushed and lusty
slowly it withered and gave way to this ashen pale remains
we saw a monster, so we mixed a poison and called it therapy
you swallowed the grains and we watched how the color drains
silent fire of your eyes, slowly it vanish, let go of the light
warmth of your halo, we saw it diminish, let go fading
spread on the bed, this pale ivory shard, is your pain burning bright
let go of your demons, we saw them growing, leaving your soul bleeding
slowly drips the poison we infused, to kill you from the inside
our therapy to kill the demons now embraced one with you
our hearts stand motionless, our graying and solemn pride
deep within is a hope we hide, somehow we can save you
Nocturnal Illusions
make me show it all
the pain i burn deep inside
answer him for my final call
where i stand i cannot decide
let his glory be my salvation
let it be my soothing ointment
pain shall be my imagination
fade away my disappointment
make me show it all
the brightness of my desire
help me before my fall
call him to light my fire
make me show it all
the craving i had for him
on the floor when i sprawl
blankness is all at whim
nocturnal delusions
is it all the illusions
burning me from the inside
help me just decide
Bottled Emotions
on a faded photograph
hanging on my darkened wall
i see your saddest smile
from where i stand
i watch for a glimpse
of a wink in your blurry eyes
a dusty bed spreads by my side
wrinkles on yellowish sheets, a telltale sign
of how i grabbed your hair
and threw you down on it
when emotions flew from a bottle
to a dooming rhythm i played my hand
i let myself touch those undone sheets
a creeping door echoes my emotional plight
i let my feet walk the walk
coz my mind is too dark to guide
to the stairs you ran down for cover
slipped to where now your grave lies
decayed bones mark a faint outline
of your broken figure i fear to glance
i’m trapped as a ghost, lost of all desire
now all alone with my frail mind craving
for nothing in a room full of empty bottles
i stand watching at the stairs
where it all ended as it began
a faded photograph
can’t distance me from . . .
A Life To Die For
suddenly sometimes ago in my past
an angel showed me a distant light
took my hand and whispered softly
urged to search for solace in light
i was her lusty firefly
craved for her fragrant light
fell for the burning flame inside
fated to writhe on my ashed wings
it tore my heart into strings
which strummed the words i wrote
burned the blood when it still moved
which now flows from the holes in me
everything was way out of touch
a feeling that i once loved
never believed that i was again capable
of falling in love with the hated love
for you i said those words
and i mean that i will do so
“every tear of yours is worth the smiles
of a life i wished to die for”
Fly From Life
when winds blew i wanted to fly
like a feather flows free upon the sky
i promised to stay with you i promised to try
if you would hug me when cold winds blow by
my heart got no pity no sorrow
i have lived my life there is no tomorrow
so in the night light search for my ashes
moon shall shine bright while your heart crashes
you are still chained rooted to the soil
i will be long gone while you still toil
your heart shall be heavy because i promised to try
but life was filled with cruel desperation so i had to fly
your hug was not warm enough for me
i felt so cold and i thought so let it be
i wanted to be free to untie my life all in a tangle
you could not save me because you are not my angel
Thought I Was (Deceiving Grace)
over the valley is the cooling breeze
but all over the sky is written your deceiving grace
in my fading love craving for your embrace
i remember your dreadful promise of silence
in your embrace i wanted to cuddle tight
thought you are my knight in shining armour
but you made me feel like falling leaves of autumn wind
memories of last summer is now a bitter taste
i thought i was the queen when we played the board game
but you mated my queen with your knights and pawns
never i thought my fate was written in the sixty four squares
never did i realize the board game will be played on my life
i thought i was the queen of the card deck
but you held all your aces tight to your chest
i built a card castle and you shattered it with a poke
all i thought was it is not for real and it was just a joke
i thought i was the queen of your heart when we walked on the beach
it was all i wanted to believe when we held our hands tight
i searched for warmth in your embrace when cold winds blew
never i believed blowing winds echoed the coldness in you
i thought i was the queen when we played in the moonlit barn
you was my bard in my court of golden hay and ripe corn
in a deep voice you sang a sad song of swans and a betrayed princess
never i dreamt in your chords was written my soon to be empty fate
over the valley the breeze is getting colder
it is the autumn winds echoing the coming winter
my crown shattered with summer i wanted to last forever
all i can do now is bury my heart in freezing snow
footsteps we walked are now swallowed by the salty sea
now i see for real all your promises were fake
as i watch the setting sun slowly but disappear
i see all over the sky is written your deceiving grace
Pockets
i don’t like to be small enough
to be in your pocket
just coz its easy to hide
doesn’t mean i’m ready to curl
somehow i had a feeling
that i would be big enough
just to scare my demons away
i don’t need your pocket to hide
i know its cozy and warm
but softness is a feeling from last nights
today i feel its just cold enough
to believe that winter is all around
i believe i know you don’t like
your pocket to be big enough
just to hold me safe and warm
coz i’m a feeling from last nights
Pray For Me, My Dearest Love
pray for me, my dearest love, look into my strained eyes
wherever you are, please try, see what it tries to say
oceans of tears streaming behind my useless sighs
why is this, i can’t believe it was all in one day
i’ve aged like centuries, i am feeling weak now
day you left seems like ages ago but it was yesterday
like a moment ago i swore my life to you my dearest love
i want to live in the sweetest memories of you every day
hold my hand again, like the day you calmed me
i was never down because i lived in your shadow
like the days you went over me, again let it be
can’t bear now because i’m not used to be without you
i try to remember your words, because i never expected, i cannot
you now ignore me, all of sudden, i feel i have lost my guide
life is a challenge you said, would have liked if time forgot
life is a pleasure you said, but now i feel for me it is denied
pray for me, my dearest love, can you see my bloodshot eyes
from wherever you are, listen to my heart when it sighs
i can’t believe, my heart is pouring blood in to my eyes
dearly within my pits, i want to believe this is all lies
No. 45 revisited
summer mornings, chirping birds awoke me
bright daylight sparkled on the silent stream
evening whisper of grass a soothing lullaby be
lanterns played with moonlight as i lived the dream
memories of long ago weeps
to warm my broken heart
as the fading sense of reality seeps
darkness hit me swift as a dart
we met a not so long ago
in a dark and misty railway station
while the engines cranked their ego
carriages full of flowing elation
you showed me the way the nearest
not that i blame you for this loose
but why not mister dearest
give me a chance to choose
i remember as we laid on the sheet
slivery darts from below took your life
the sound of life as your heart beat
you took the high window my deepest strife
the graveyard sways calm in the autumn wind
as your crumbled bones and soil entwine
i know not your name nor how to find
so rest mister in your unmarked shrine
Crimson Hue
wonder why the sky was ever blue
was it because my hands are drained pale blue
i held my hopes high and true
wonder why my wrists are crimson hue
call me coward call me craven shamelessly dance
regret i never did when i was blue
turn back time give me another chance
regret i do now it’s crimson hue
why is the sky still blue eternal sight
why i regret why i can’t meet my light
pure and true faithful to the last due
pay i did in drops of crimson hue
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