when everything else fails


Confidence . . . It’s word that doesn’t come up much to my conscious world these days, maybe it’s buried deep within my subconscious clashing around with those horrid, weird dynamics Freud seemed to explain with such clarity that even a dog would understand, well not me. My confidence is buried, maybe even deeper into my unconscious that I don’t even feel for it’s existence. How pitiful when you find yourself unable to look at a person in the eyes, when you lose your general swagger which accompanies your speech, in fact your speech is now staggering blabbering muttering incomprehensible and repetitive. You had lost all your sense of achievement and no longer feel the urge to survive competition. There is a sense of failure. You had given up.

Confidence means courage, courage to accept the unacceptable, to talk with authority to impose yourself upon your peers, in a sense it’s the feeling of superiority over your peers and quietly it’s your sense that you can succeed no matter what. It’s what keep you going and making you relentlessly achieve whims. It’s the sense which brings you joy and satisfaction, that you in fact did achieve something or you are in fact bound to achieve something.

Everything goes in the drains, those countless holes which collect rainwater and all sorts of other waters drop by drop and lead them to vast oceans where drop meets gallons. But this parched earth is not the only drain and water is not the only thing which goes down in drains. There are holes in your ceiling your walls your drawers and your body itself is home to a few holes. But home to infinite holes is your consciousness, that friable fickle sense of identity, always in conflict to achieve it’s whims but continue to wither and crumble while confidence oozes out of those tiny holes getting bigger and bigger each day. Till you loose your last drop of confidence. But that only happens if you don’t have control over your life.

When you find yourself lost in that mall you used to go regularly, can’t find that shelf which contains the sugar, you know something is wrong. You finally find the sugar and check out of the mall only to remember you forgot to buy salt, now you realize something is not wrong but worse. You attribute it to minor forgetfulness. When you find you are forgetting things larger than life, those minute details deemed unforgettable by a mortal, your confidence takes a dent. Then you find you cannot beat that friend of yours anymore in your favorite board game, you realize something is wrong. When you can no longer keep the pace at your workplace and earn the ire of your boss, you know something is very wrong. You find yourself not meeting expectations, you can no longer keep the hectic pace the world tends to spin around itself. Your confidence slowly erodes. Now you no longer remember the lyrics to your favorite song. Nor can you beat your coworkers for that dream promotion. You are now emotionally drained, you take a dip in the cold waters of insomnia never to emerge again. You keep choking and choking yet continue to drink from the well of oblivion, you cover yourself in denial and lies. You no longer fear failure, the fear which forced you to succeed no matter what, now it’s gone replaced by emptiness. The realization hits you, your life is that of a zombie.

That is what happened to me. I’m drained of confidence, I’ve become emotionally liable, I’ve changed to become a corpse which still walks the land of living. Is there hope for me? Can I have another chance or is all lost? I take a deep breath. I feel for something to cling to. Now I feel I’m going to find what I’m looking for.

There is a spark. A spark under cold lifeless ashes hoping to ignite a fire brighter than before. The phoenix awaiting it’s second coming, to burn brighter dusting off the ashes of past. There is this feeling deep inside my heart that I should revert back to my normal self and in fact that I should exceed norms. That I should regain my lost confidence. The first step is the hardest and that is initiating an action plan. Its time to bring out those sticky notes, timetables and grocery lists. It’s time to set new goals and foster love for humanity, to find joy in places never expected before. Its now time to take that action, the hard first step of regaining norms. I want back my desire and hopes. I want back my fear for failure. I want back my lost confidence.

Are you emotionally dead? Are you lost? Are you lacking? Then take a deep breath, can you feel your own spark? Burning like a candle right inside your heart. That spark with potential to burn like thousands of fires if given chance. Even you feel lost, empty, cold and hopeless that spark is still there in you. Discover that feeling of need to change, need to adapt, need to start fresh, than remarkable feeling of humanity your spark. Feed it with new hope desire and curiosity. And watch it turn from a candle to a fire. Let it guide you to regain what is lost, your confidence.


2 responses

  1. crownlessxx

    lost, hopeless, unfit for survival..the total absence of confidence, the certainty that those things will never return, they are all there, But I’ve this spark, (my own) in the back of my mind I know it’s not the desire to get my self together and keep my pace up with the world, but it’s something else, it serves me well anyway ..lol I’ll read this again sometime.

    August 20, 2011 at 11:43 pm

  2. well, sometimes the spark comes and goes
    but it’s a good read, for my everyday declining feeling and all 😀

    August 21, 2011 at 5:29 pm

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